Happy Birthday!!

My baby is one today. As I’ve read from lots of others, it’s a happy and a sad day. But when I think about why, I’m afraid my reasoning is a little different.

The happy is pretty obvious. She’s freaking adorable!! She’s a wonderful, social little girl who has yet to meet someone she doesn’t automatically count as her friend.

I’m certainly not sad that she’s growing up. Sure, a cuddly infant is..well..cuddly, but what does it DO? Hahahaha…. That was a joke between hubby and I when she was born. “It’s neat – what does it do?” I love the little girl she’s growing into. I love listening to her babbling, and watching her wobbly little walk, and most of all – hearing her little giggle and seeing her get excited to see me or her daddy, or the same excitement she sometimes expresses at chasing the cat. She’s wonderful, and I can’t imagine life without her.

If I have to think about why I’m sad at my baby turning one, it’s that I’m afraid I’m losing myself. I don’t want to be one of those women who becomes identified only by her child. I can’t remember what would make me happy if I wasn’t being ‘Maggie’s mom.’ And I’m often okay with that. Which is what worries me…. We’re having a discussion on a forum I’m on, and I’m relieved to hear that I’m not alone. I have plenty of reasons for not pursuing a hobby (like my old scrapbooking) now. Primarily I’m broke, and I don’t want to pump bottles (so I’m committed to not being away from Maggie for more than a few hours). But I’ve stopped even considering what I’d like to do by myself – FOR myself.

Don’t get me wrong, Maggie’s the center of my life, and I love her more than anything. I wouldn’t want my life any other way. But someday, she’s going to want her own life, with her own friends and hobbies, and not some old mom tagging along. Then I’ll need to have some life and personality of my own to fall back on. Luckily I’ll have a few years before we get there because right now? I have no idea who to be without her attached to my side.

I’m sure it will work out. I want Maggie to feel as loved and nurtured as I did growing up, and then when she’s an adult I can take my well-earned break and do something for myself – like go to Alaska, right, Mom?

But today is YOUR day, Maggie!! Mommy and Daddy and a whole lot of others love you very much!! Mommy has had your music class sing Happy Birthday to you today, and several strangers out shopping have also given you their best wishes because Mommy prompted them ;) I hope you are always happy in your life, and are just as safe as you are right now, sleeping in your bouncer right next to me.