16 June 2003

Okay. So I've been in huge denial.

Last week when J was here, I told him I had the very best time when he was here. And that is true. But in all fairness, I never really go out otherwise, especially not just casual hang-out every day stuff. My friends here and now are busy with their own lives. We have to plan weeks in advance to do things together. On a day-to-day basis, they are with their families. And I am alone. Now that I'm back to plenty of 'solitary' time to think, that may be what I like best about J's visits. I'm not alone. We 'get' each other, at least I feel that way. It doesn't have to be laugh-a-minute crazy adventures. Just being together is enough. It's not being alone.

Which brings me to my dilemma. Based on the above realization, do I really need him? Well, obviously not, since I can't have him. But can togetherness with someone else fill the void? I haven't even tried. Why? hmmm..... (yes, I am thinking, don't laugh!) Trying would be a risk. There would definitely be not-so-good times in the search. There would be some nice-but-not-it times. There are no guarantees that there'd ever be times like those I've already had and loved. Perhaps the biggest risk for me would be the almosts. People that join my life in some capacity. Because every person I have becomes a person I could lose. And I don't know if I'll ever feel ready for that. Ready or not, I have to deal with it now and in the future, but the less people I'm involved with, the less I'll ever have to deal with it.

It's a deep fear of abandonment. Not really a fear of people intentionally leaving me, then I'm allowed to be mad at them and rant about how stupid they are to leave me. I can't take much more of people dying, though. I know there's people who have dealt with it more than me, but I really can't take any more. Really. Unfortunately, there's no one with the power to stop it. I'm just afraid one of these times it'll break me beyond any alcohol binge, pill popping frenzy or temporary fix. It'll break me, and I'll just be left drooling on myself with no hope left.

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