26 June 2010

Blessings

I'm feeling exceptionally crappy lately. I try to focus on my blessings, but the list seems to start and end at Maggie some days. Her latest saying is, "I'll do everything to hurt you. I promise," (with the emphasis on the P and R in promise). I think I'm the only one who doesn't correct her, because I just love the sincerity as she delivers words that (hopefully!) are the opposite of what she means to say. Kinda funny in a sad way that these words are the bright spot in some of my days, because she's so darn adorable saying them.

Business is going great, but 'great' in my business doesn't really measure up to some fancy career thing. I suppose it could if I wanted that much from it, but I don't. I thought I'd love the recognition and the sense of accomplishment, but they're kind of hollow compared to other people's achievements. I start feeling a little too 'cute' with my nice little business. Like people make fun of me after I leave the room.

I guess my whole life is starting to feel little. Some of it's necessary. Things don't move fast with an almost-three-year-old in tow at all times. And I honestly love that. But will I ever be accepted and appreciated by the grown-ups again? Or did I ever deserve it anyway?

I know I should sit down and list out all the great things in my life, but every time I battle with depression, that list makes it worse. I have so many blessings and so much to be thankful for, and I still get down in the dumps. It makes me feel like an even worse person than if I was depressed and at least had a legitimately lousy life. It's an endless cycle, and I just want to see the end of it someday.

6 comments:

Sonja said...

Hugs to you! I know how you feel... Take a day at the time and do what you want to do... no one is laughing you. Miss you!

The Adventures of Grunty and Chubbs said...

Don't feel bad about being depressed sometimes. We all do. But if you think you need to, go see someone. Sometimes talking to someone or getting some meds will make a world of difference.

Wendy said...

Not sure what to say but a few things came to mind... I've always been really proud of you and I admire you for your many different facets. Your life most certainly is not "little" - you wouldn't know it - but you've had an impact on me. Many a day when I'm struggling - your thoughts, your honesty lifts me up and helps me to make it through. Love ya!

siteseer said...

this is the unfortunate part of mommyhood. All (or most) mommies go through this. They're little for such a short period, but when you're going through it it sometimes seems insignificant. What you're doing with Maggie is over the top important!!! The rest of the stuff that you manage to do and excel at just shows what a phenominal person you really are. If those close to you can't or don't for some reason recognize and applaud you then you need to do just what you're doing.... come to those that have or are going through the same thing. You are important and are very successful at everything you aspire to do.

Shannon said...

I echo what Judi says. And send me a list of people who laugh at you. I'll beat them up, and if I can't, I guarantee I have a few clients who can get the job done.

Kristie said...

I am glad I found your blog again. I also want to say I think it is amazing everything you do along raising your beautiful daughter. I really wish we could see you guys from time to time. I am one of those mommas who goes through that crap too!