13 October 2008

What to Say?

I keep opening up this 'compose' window, and closing it down again. I feel like I should have plenty to say, but I want it to be happier than I feel. I'm working so hard and running myself ragged because I want my world to be a better place. Spewing the ookiness I've been feeling lately would be completely against my purposes. I even know the reasonings and history for a lot of my crankiness, but repeating it would just make you sad too. And I don't want your pity, so I'll just wait for the wonkys to pass. So my mission now is just to remember that they will pass. They always have before, and they will again.

I considered writing a post of things I'm grateful for, to give a brighter impression of myself and my outlook. But then I remembered how very frustrating that ends up being. I know I've got it good. I'm blessed, and my life is at least above average. There are a lot of people who don't have it as good as I do. Listing all the reasons for that makes me feel worse, not better. How bad of a person am I, if I have all these great things/people/ideas going for me and I'm still not happy? It backfires on me pretty consistently.

Instead, I'm taking this time to be easy on me. I have a lot to do, and can't really let up on that sort of pressure, but I'm drinking my Cherry Coke, eating my Better Made White Cheddar Popcorn and chocolate (but not together), and listening to whatever music soothes my soul at any given moment. I can't actually rest, but I can try to make myself more comfortable in some ways while I continue working my fingers to the bone, instead of being able to focus on cheering up.

6 comments:

...Megan... said...

Awe Becki! I can completely relate to everything you said. Whenever I feel unhappy I end up feeling so guilty because there's absolutely no reason I should be unhappy. When you're so blessed, it's hard to justify sadness or dissatisfaction. In those moments I just try to remind myself that joy and pain are relative. I think we all have a right to not only be happy, but to be unhappy as well. It's an eb and flow and in the bad times we really learn to appreciate the good times.

But enough of that. White cheddar popcorn is my FAVORITE. Good call. :)

Anonymous said...

Well my dear cuz!! Thanks for your beautiful humanity which helps me know it's ok to be my real self - really moody or really weird or really sad or really happy. Moods definitely do ebb and flow. Keep on keeping on. *hugs from snowy AK* For me it's a hot bath, good music, a good book, diet coke, chocolate, computer games, or even the TREADMILL... hugs from Mom and Dad too.

Carolyn said...

{{big hug}} and warm thoughts

J.C. said...

Hang in there Becki. I really hate hard times, and you're right in that they do pass, but going through them stinks. ((hugs))

siteseer said...

yes, October can be sad for us. I've been in a funk too. But onward and upward, the sun is shining. Sounds like you're working through it very well. You've really grown a lot, I'm proud of you.

Southern Tiger said...

You know, you shouldn't feel bad about wanting more things out of life, even if you do have it good. There's always room for improvement, and it's not wrong to want that, you know? We all need a little progress in our lives. I'm very blessed too, and I get that same feeling a lot too.