28 March 2005

So I heard a song on the stereo on my way home from work today. It was some crazy country thing (came on right after ‘My Give a Damn’s Busted’) about ‘how could you be that lonely,’ or ‘have you ever been that lonely,’ or something similar. Anyway, it was about a suicide. How horrible someone can feel and no one has any idea. I can still vaguely remember feeling like that, and even just remembering makes me feel the rotten spot in the pit of my stomach.
I remember feeling like that a lot. I remember drinking enough to numb the feeling. Really, it was drinking enough to numb all feeling, but it was worth the trade-off. I didn’t care if I was never sincerely happy as long as I didn’t have to feel that terrible depth of despair. So I drank, and took sleeping pills and pain pills. And the world kept turning. It scares me now, to see what I was. Sometimes I’m petrified that I’m not strong enough to keep holding my head above water. I understand completely why AA says ‘One day at a time.’

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