05 March 2004

Just had to come back and see how long it’s been since I’ve had a pretty bad spell. I’m almost in tears over everything…and nothing.

Driving home tonight in the rain (I hate driving in the rain), on the expressway (I really hate driving in the rain on the expressway) minding my own business. There are three lanes where I’m at, and the left two are having a slow-poke race. I’m in the right lane. Out of the blue, a semi-truck cuts across all three lanes to run me onto the shoulder as I lay on the horn. I was really mad at him.

Then, I was really mad at me. I was driving along thinking of something my therapist told me. Only like 5% of the population considers suicide. That is so crazy to me (and, she said, to her). I think of it soooo frequently. In all honesty, it’s been a few months now, so I suppose that’s good. But there I was, wondering if I’d really die if I took off my seatbelt and crashed into an overpass or something.

Maybe the semi was sent to do me a favor, and my own instinctual reaction stopped him. Damn me.

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