24 March 2002

So what am I going to do with my life?

Womenfest yesterday was swell, but they kept wanting to talk about dreams and such shit. My dream is just for peace. For myself. And I usually get closest to that in sleep. So the dream I wrote down was for sleep.

I've gotten sleep today. Apparently sharing your dreams really can make them come true :P Either that or ignoring the rest of the fecking world for a day and just doing it. Nothing to ignore, really. No one called or anything. Which leads to the common thought that if I were dead no one would miss me either. Except my immediate family. I only stay for mom. It occurred to me yesterday that the whole situation is pretty blasted selfish of her. I don't want to be here. How can it honestly make her happy for me to be here, forever, miserable?

Yeah, I know. Just cheer up. I've got so much going for me. Blah, blah, blah.

I'm tired still. I've slept most of the day, but getting up reminds me of how tired I am. Tired of working for nothing but old debts. Tired of being alone. Tired of having to deal with other people. Tired of the mess my apartment continually is. Tired of lying to myself saying I'll clean it. Tired of eating. Tired of breathing. Tired of being alive for not quite 30 long years.

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