30 April 2005

I still feel...not good. Not quite as defeated as yesterday, I suppose. Just sort of..useless.

He told me yesterday as we ate dinner that when I'm mean to me, hurt me, whatever, it does the same to me. That makes me sad, but it doesn't make me feel better about myself. It makes me feel worse. If I can't pull one of us out of it, I certainly can't pull both of us out.

I feel...feeble. I could sit in this chair for hours. I have, even. Luckily I've been somewhat productive, but I could have sat here doing nothing too. Because I don't feel like anything I do changes anything. I don't feel valuable.

I'm trying to take what he said yesterday, and see myself as he says he sees me. But I can't understand it. How can he think I'm so great when I can't get a 'real' job, afford the things I need without piling on more debt, or repay the debt I've already accrued? How can I have any worth, when all I can show for myself is liabilities.

Please let him hold on. If there's any higher power in the world, don't take him away from me. I couldn't hold on by myself.

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