20 October 2003

I sincerely thought that all the October vacations were overriding my regular October malaise/depression/fucked-up-ed-ness/whatever. They just postponed it. Now I feel like my life could be going somewhere, hope for the future, emerging dreams, a love life, but I'm getting all off-kilter anyway. I'm on my way to a meeting shortly, but decided to just have a drink or two beforehand. Just because. I don't think nearly half a fifth (is that really a tenth?) was my original plan. And I really want to talk to D, but then I don't. Because I really just want him to make it better, and how can someone, no matter how wonderful, correct 12 years of pain in 10 minutes of conversation? It's all just a stop-gap, and I'm tired of that being all I have to relieve it.

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